Investigators Blame Stupidity in Area Death

>From "The Onion". For the humor impaired, it's a satiracle
newspaper.... you just don't see headlines like this:


WHEATLEY, AR-Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment
were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure,
unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an
unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.


"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence
of being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence
told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts,
beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I
mean, we're not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and
driver error didn't play their parts-but mainly, that driver was a
goddamn dip****."

The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just
north of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.

A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such
details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both
hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal,
preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery
lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."

Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his
13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.

"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can
feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When
you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the
still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of
illegal fireworks-well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."

Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often
difficult for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an
accident, the cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and
pathetically obvious."

"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a
mere six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the
vehicle doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and
two leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway
through the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in
one hand and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."

"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd
penciled in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After
that, I spent a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and
shaking my head at what a dumbass this guy was."

Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of
events, it appears that the driver-drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and
leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring
plant-saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to
accelerate and beat it to the intersection.

"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons,"
Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an
oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray
containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in
190-proof Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will
attest. Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident
occurred at a spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on
their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the
train approaching, veered off just before entering the underpass, and
sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely
begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate description of
the cause of death and leave it at that."

The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid
family, which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway
Department, the Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman
Corporation, which produces Everclear.

Larry Bud wrote:

> WHEATLEY, AR-Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment
> were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure,
> unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an
> unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.

That entire article reminds me of an accident I witnessed about a year
ago. Basically, someone in a 1980's Toyota swerved into the path of a
semi to make his exit. The problem is he braked while doing so, and
ended up getting flipped/spun/pushed about a quarter mile past his
ramp.

Amazingly, the guy was unconscious, but alive. After the truck driver
and I gave our statements to the cop, I think he wanted to write
DUMBASS for the cause of the accident.

Dave