Lanny Chambers > wrote in:

> In article >,
> pws > wrote:
>
>> I might just throw it at the bear and run istead. ;-)
>
> Ask the bear if he'd like to shoot your kewl new gun. Then watch him
> limp away with two sprained wrists.

OK, you guys asked for it! Here's an article posted by a friend years back
that tells all about a new "kewl" gun:

================================================== ======================
"Another Broken Gun" Copyright 1999 by Ben Sansing - All Rights Reserved
==================
(allegedly posted to Usenet's rec.guns, on 01 Apr 96)

ANOTHER BROKEN GUN!

Okay, like, I bought this gun, it was a "hand" gun made by, okay, Heckle &
Krotch and it was kinda strange, has this thing on the grip in front you
gotta squeeze before it will shoot. Okay, that was a lotta trouble so I
wrapped duck tape around it so it would stay in squeeze position so I could
shoot it, okay?

So, it had like these groove things in the barrel, or anyway twisty looking
things and I tried to polish them out, okay, with a drill and some steel wool
but it didnt work, but anyway I got some of these bullets they're 9mms and I
shot one, okay but the gun loaded in a second bullet into the barrel, right?
And I'm going, like, "What IS this stuff?" so like I took it all apart, the
gun, even the clip part that holds the bullets, okay? And I took the bullet
clip out and had to use pliers but I got that top part, where the sights are,
right, I got that part off and got the barrel out and the bullet, the one I
hadn't fired but had loaded itself, it fell right out on the floor, okay? And
rolled down into the heating duck, okay? And then later something went, like,
BOOM down in the heating duck but I dont wanna go down in the basement and
look cuz it's probably dusty down there now.

So, like, I looked at the Heckle & Krotch manual and it said not to use
pliers to take the gun apart cuz that, like, avoids the warranty, but anyway
I couldn't get the gun back together at first but I used a belt sander and
filed down this one little thing on the barrel, like a projecting thing, and
then it all went back together okay except the part with the sights on it
will, like, slide back toward you if you point the gun up, okay? But so I
took it, like, to the range again and tried to shoot it, and it BLEW UP! Yeah
I mean the sliding thing on the top came flying off, ya know, and would have
killed me I guess except my friend Fred was shooting it when it blew up and
now he's staggering around making these, like, high-pitched squealing noises
and the sliding thing is stuck in his face.

Boy, am I, like, MAD! I called up Heckle & Krotch on my cell phone, right at
the range, like, and asked, like, to speak to Mr. Heckle but they said he's
not, okay, THERE, so where's Mr. Krotch? Well, he's not there too so I talked
to, like, this German guy who said he was 'Die Armenfixenschmitt' or
something GERMAN like that and okay, told him what happened and that I
wanted, like, the gun FIXED but he said I'd avoided the warranty, ya know,
with the duck tape and the grinding and the pliers and, okay, stuff like
that, but like, they'd okay they'd FIX the gun anyway but I had to send it to
them, like back to Germany or something, in a box, ya know, and they would
fix it for no charge but I'd have to pay shipping. Yeah that's right I'd have
to pay shipping, can you believe that? So anyway, by this time Fred had quit
making the squeals and had, okay, fallen down and was flapping his arms and,
ya know, kicking his legs and howling, like, and it was really gross, ya
know, so I told Mr. German Guy I couldn't send all the gun back, you know,
anyway, cuz I couldn't get the sliding thing out of Fred's, like, FACE
without using pliers and would that avoid the warranty again, and like, he
said - and I'm NOT, ya know, kidding he really said this - he said "I'll be
back", like, ya know, Arnie in that movie and then he just, okay, HUNG UP the
phone, and I'm like going "Gaaa!" Oh and Fred's going "Gaaa" too, right? Only
I mean he's REALLY going, literally, "Gaaaaaaaaa" and then he like, flops
over and quits moving, okay?

Wow - I am REALLY bummed now, ya know? So I call Heckle & Krotch back and I'm
gonna tell them, ya know, to like FORGET fixing my gun cuz, okay, I'm gonna
go on the Internet and post about how, like, rotten they are and stuff, and
then they'll, umm ya know, go out of business cuz nobody will ever, like, buy
their guns anymore! But, like, this time there's this girl, ya know, who
answers the phone and she sounds kinda cute, okay, so instead of saying all
that other stuff I just, like, ask her, you know, OUT and she says "yeah" and
I go "Kewl!" and she goes "So, yoo air in Chermany?" in this sexy accent, ya
know, and I say "No, ummm, like, I'm in, like, the USA..." and she laughs,
okay, and then I get it, right? It's like, a JOKE... Ha ha ha.

So like, that's *IT*, I've just had it with these Heckle & Krotch people,
okay? And Fred, well, he's like had *IT*, too, I think, cuz he's absolutely
stopped moving, even twitching, right? So... I'm steamed, right? Really,
REALLY pee-oh- deed... I'm thinking lawsuit, ya know? Except - and this is
the REAL bad part - my lawyer, well he's, ummm... well, see, FRED is my
lawyer, or anyway WAS my lawyer, and it didn't look like *he* was gonna be
real helpful, ya know, so I call up his law firm, okay? Dewey, Cheatem, and
Howe, that's the name, okay, and I'm gonna tell 'em about Fred and that I
want another lawyer, free of charge, cuz Fred is, okay, NOT working any more,
ya know? But, like, it's another cute girl, okay? On the phone, right? And
she goes "Mr. Dewey is out flying his Huey, Mr. Cheatem's with his sweetums,
and Mr. Howe is busy now..." Ha ha, another, like, JOKE, but when I tell her
"Yeah, well Fred is DEAD" she kinda, ya know, freaks out, okay? And, like,
HANGS UP! Well, that's just, okay, TOO MUCH. I'm bummed, I'm pee-oh-deed, I'm
like to the Max, well, SMARTING now, ya know?

So... I put up the cell-phone, okay, and get out my, like, Casio ultra-mini
wrist computer, right? And get, like a pencil to peck on the itty- bitty
keys, okay, and write this, ummm, post to the Internet, okay? And now I'm
gonna, like, *send* it as soon as, ya know, I get back home, and then they'll
ALL be sorry. Yeah! They'll all, ya know, PAY for what they've done to... uh-
oh. Wow... this is, like, weird. This, ummm, big BEAR just came out of the,
like, woods... I think it's, like, hungry, and... yeah, there it goes, right?
It smells Fred, okay? It's... ooo, it's *got* Fred... It's dragging Fred off
into the, okay, woods ya know? Hey... wait a sec, Fred's still got the H&K
sliding thing in his face. That's my... like, EVIDENCE for the lawsuit,
right? Hey, wait, Bear... come back, Bear... HEY, BEAR!!! Aw, man... there
goes my lawsuit, right? There goes my Heckle & Krotch pistol, right? Okay, so
it WAS broken, but... hey, it mighta still worked a little, right? And ya
know I bought it, right, for bear protection when I go, like, hiking in the
woods, okay? But, now, like, here's THE situation, here's THE bear in THE
woods, right? And now I can't defend myself. GREAT. Just great. Well, I guess
I'll... uh-oh.... dkfgmfegijtn mg'pfm g ;t';fm vklfm gv

TANK YOO FOUR THe GRATE DINER^h^hNER IT WUZ DILLISHUS. ASS FOUR GUNZ I ALWAS
CARI A GLOK CUZ IT SHOU^hOTS UNNERWATER RIGARDZ, EDWORD BARE

Copyright 1996, 1999 by Ben Sansing)

There's more of Ben's insanity at:
http://www2.arkansas.net/~sws1